Miracles

President Uchtdorf came to visit Buenos Aires when I was about 19 months out. My parents' divorce had just erupted in all its gore. Shattered images of what my life had been and would be were seconded only by my deep concern for my little brothers and other siblings that didn't have the luxury of 6,000 miles separating them from insanity. In spite of this blessing of distance, I could not help but feel the weight of the sacrifice I was making to remain on my mission. My family needed me, or at least I like to think so.

Though we were all moved and thrilled to listen to President Uchtdorf, I regret that the only thing I remember him saying was that when we were off our missions, we could sleep in as much as we'd like on Saturdays. Odd. But then, just before the closing prayer, he in great sincerity and earnestness offered a blessing. In it he said that we would receive miracles beyond imagining because of the sacrifices we had made to be there.

Miracles? I had always loved miracles. What do miracles even look like? Some say life is a miracle, or that the sunrise is a miracle. Others would say great bolts of lightening or visitations from angels or spirits are requisite for miracles. Me? I fall in between I suppose. As much as I love the sunrise every day, and as much as I admire the beauty of life, certainly a miracle to me is something beyond what I could imagine as possible. It has to go beyond, I suppose, what I am able to either comprehend, explain, or expect. I don't know; I'm not trying to get technical.

Life after my mission was complicated, or depressing, or just foggy. Something like that. I spent the first year after my mission trying hard to re-evaluate what I had taken for granted. There are some, I'm sure, who understand how this goes. There are lots of questions. There is a lot of anger. There is constant confusion. More than anything , there's a listlessness or purposelessness that I would never have thought possible in my own life.

So where, I wondered, was the miracle I was promised? It had been a year since I'd come home and I'd seen only failed dates, a continuously hurting family, and slipping grades.

Why is it we think miracles occur instantly? The parting of the seas, the taming of the lions, the incredible resistance to fire. It's as though miracles are only shows of divine power and not greater, deeper divine blessings. Well, unfortunately, I didn't see great pillars of light or hear angels singing when I met Jaimie. No. The first time I met her she wouldn't even talk to me (supposedly because she had just eaten an onion and was embarrassed about her breath). The next time I really met her, still no choirs singing.

In fact, my time with Jaimie was entirely different. It was, oddly, completely non-sensational. It was always like going back to a home I'd never had. It was as though she had always been in my life, but had gone missing for the past 22 years.

Now guys, I'm not trying to be mushy or lame or anything. I'm serious. I'm dead serious. My life right now is something I honestly didn't ever expect or think possible. Now I know lots of men who love their wives. That's not what I'm getting at. I know lots of men who would say their wives are miracles, or that they don't deserve their wives. But I'm not saying that in a poetic way. I'm saying it literally. I have proof positive that miracles are real, and that the promises of an apostle really come true.

Why am I even talking about this? For those that know me, I'm usually fairly shy and certainly wouldn't write something like this on a blog for the whole damn world to read. So here's the punchline.

Jaimie recently wrote something on this blog about her frustration over deciding what she's going to do about a potential internship this coming year. I later took the post down (with Jaimie's permission) for a couple of reasons, only one of which is important.

Jaimie is my miracle; she is the life I never thought possible and the home I'll always want to return to. I have siblings that I love and care about, and they love me in return. I have friends that have been more like brothers than anything; the best friends anybody could have in the world. But Jaimie is home. She is everything that makes sense in my world, and she is everything that makes my world sensible. So for her to even think that she hasn't accomplished anything, or that she doesn't fulfill her goals, is hurtful. She saved my life in a very literal way; she took me from bleak prospects and misguided anger to a cozy paradise home of our own.

I would recommend you remember this moment only because it'll be perhaps the most embarrassing one of my life. Exposing the most important things in our lives is always embarrassing, if only because it makes us vulnerable. On the other hand, sometimes things are so important to us that we can't keep them to ourselves. Maybe I just wish the world could, if only for an instant, see Jaimie through my eyes. What's more, maybe I just wish she could.

Online communities and the problems they cause

Hey all, It's been a busy day but I had a few minutes of down time (finally). Unlike what everybody thinks, we here at the Governor's Office actually do work. It's ok, I wouldn't have believed it either, so don't feel bad if you still don't.

I noticed something that has hitherto remained unnoticed. Jaimie, being the sweet social butterfly that she is (?) does seem to spend much more time on Facebook and other such online interests than I do. That I had noticed. I didn't know, however, how often she mentions me (usually in a forgivingly favorable light). This seems unfair, since I'm hardly ever participating in such activities, and therefore rarely talk about Jaimie in our growing online community.

Sigh. She does deserve more online attention. So I just thought I'd write a quick little shoutout for my lovely wonderful sweet nurturing and talented wife (should there have been commas there?) Most that know me, however, know that I'm not going to say much more, even though she is worthy of an incalculable amount of praise.

Horses or Teaching

*** DISCLAIMER: This message is not approved by me (Aaron), simply because I don't think it accurately portrays the determination, talent, and fortitude that Jaimie actually has. That said, she posted it before I could censor, so most of you have read it in your RSS feeds anyway. Regardless, I just need to say that Jaimie has finished many difficult and important challenges in her life. She has consistently been on the Principle's list, she was asked to be an Honor student, she has been invited to several honor societies, she was accepted to this internship she is stressing about, she'll graduate college soon, she learned to sing very well even though few encouraged her to, she's an accomplished rider (and anybody who disagrees should talk to me about it), she's completely changed my life and made me happier than I ever thought possible, and for her to sit and act as though she hasn't followed through on anything or accomplished anything is both false and a horrible misconception about her own value that seems to come from who-knows where. "... but some how I am the girl that takes the easy way out, gets scared and just quits. I feel like every goal I have ever tried to meet has come and gone." Maybe that's just Jaimie being dramatic, but unfortunately she feels that way. I suppose we all do at some point, but we also all need somebody to stand in our own defense against ourselves. So that's what I'm doing. Jaimie is not a quitter; she's not just a sweet little girl. She's an accomplished woman and a power to be reckoned with (trust me), and I will adamantly defend that reputation.***

Today I have been faced with what has seemed like a huge life choice do I try for a once in a life time internship teaching my very own classroom one year early or do I spend my summer days at the ranch doing nothing but riding my horse. This morning as I was at the ranch with my dad and brother I realized that I not only wish I was more diligent at getting to the ranch but I wished that it was all I did. I love the time I spend at the ranch. I am able forget about everything that has made me upset that week and everything that will stress me out later that day. I have lived my life wanting to be a certain person but never really reaching that goal. I want to be that girl that like to be outside in the mud with the animals doing whatever it takes to get the job done but some how I am the girl that takes the easy way out, gets scared and just quits. I feel like every goal I have ever tried to meet has come and gone. I wish I knew what my future brings when it comes to horses. Will we maybe one day be able to afford them or will I just have the opportunity to ride them when I visit my parents on occasion? To some this may be an easy problem to solve. Take the internship right? It is a once in a life time opportunity. I will finish all my classes in the upcoming summer and then I will become a first  year teacher instead of student teaching. I will be paid little but I will be in charge of my own classroom. Isn't this why I am going to school? I am getting a degree to teach. We all have childhood passions and hobbies and I have loved competing but doesn't there have to come a point in every one's life when we have to give the childhood passions up and pursue knew passions and hobbies.
I have come to realize that one reason I am struggling with the idea of the internship is that I think I am giving up on myself. I have tied horses into my identity so much that I haven't lived up to my own expectations of myself. I wanted to be that girl that won them all. I wanted to prove to everyone that I was tough and that I could do anything I put my mind to. In reality though I feel as though I have let myself down and everyone else around me. while talking to Aaron about this today he told me that I am the girl I wanted to be, but today as I was riding I gave up yet again. I have become so discouraged that I am unable to do some of the simplest maneuvers that use to come so easily to me. Because of school I have had less time to devote to my horses. There was once a time when I would make it to the ranch almost every day. Now once a week has become almost impossible. I started riding over ten years ago and feels like the first day all over again. And then the internship I look at that terrified out of my mind but excited. I know I am scared and when I get scared I will do anything possible to avoid whatever I am scared of. I am struggling with. in my opinion, a huge decision. this will be my last summer in Utah before we move to where ever Aaron's Grad school take us and I just don't know what I should do. I am scared that I will be unhappy no matter what decision I make because no matter what I do I will be giving up a great opportunity.

I'm a contributor too

I was changing some settings in Google and noticed that I'm a contributor to this blog as well. Imagine that. So I thought I'd assert my blogginess here to keep our blog going in some continuous fashion (this is heavily inspired by the fact that our friends, the Barnes, arealways updating their blog, and it's so good that even my sister follows it... *sigh*).

This last weekend was Laura's Senior Recital. The whole event has made me rather reflective (much, I'm sure, to Jaimie's annoyance). The bottom line of my reflection: a big family is both a massive blessing and at the same time full of heartache. Who among you have an instant 9 friends to call up and talk to, 9 people to visit and invite to your house for a good time, 9 people to blame for your childhood woes, and 9 people to blame for the best times of your life? (Not to mention their spouses/significant others and kids).

But that's 9 people you forget to call every week, 9 people whose birthdays you do little more for than send the (often late) card, that's 9 more people's feelings you have to worry about when making Christmas plans, and 9 more ways for your family to get mad.

Being the 6th child, I have had the odd position of being actively involved in the lives of all my siblings. I've watched Jessica go from my super-(second)-mom to her two kids' (first) super-mom. I learned the great ninja ways of mountain lion traps and eucalyptus leaf teas from Jason. I don't know how many 3D puzzles I helped Don with or how many nights he kept me awake kicking my bed from his bunk below. Sarah and I were the (obnoxious) shrimp duo. Barbara and I were bitter enemies until high school, when she was the best older sister known to humankind. Laura and I searched the car seat-cushions for enough money to buy Taco Bell after our weekly piano lessons. Ammon went from annoying to tender. John changed from moody to helpful. Dallon's just Dallon and that's great. He's probably a little too much like me.

Watching Laura deal with the enormous stress that culminated before her recital was such an eye opener. I realized how little I could help, and how little I was there for her when things were hardest. I suppose every older brother one day wishes he'd done more. I think about Jason and how often he was there to give me advice, and yet how little advice I can give him now. Who was Jessica's second mother? I never taught Dallon how to catch mountain lions. I don't include Don in my 3D puzzles. And nobody was looking out for Barbara in high school.

But then it's not all bad. Sometimes we're lucky and have the opportunity to give back. The night before the recital, Laura was so stressed she began to cry. I didn't know what else to do but give her a hug and let her stain my nice white shirt with mascara. I don't think it did all that much for Laura, but at least I got to tell her what we all need to hear sometimes: you're doing a great job, and you'll keep doing it.

I've reached the end of my reflective-ness with nothing to conclude. I guess it's where I started: big family = big blessing = heartache. That's 9 people who, without explanation, provide a full and rich life. It's 9 people I worry about. It's 9 people I see make good and bad choices, and 9 people to watch me make mine. But I suppose, most importantly, it's 9 people I wish I could tell (without feeling embarrassed or cheesy) how well they really are doing in life, how proud I am of them (if that matters), and how much I look up to them.

But then again, that would be 9 more phone calls I don't know I'll ever make.

Always on my mind....

Thoughts that run through my mind daily normally go like this...

Time to wake up...

I want to be a mom...

Did I get all my homework done?...

I want a baby...

Is class almost over?

Why does everyone have to be pregnant...

Time to do more homework...

I can't wait to be a mom...

I have to clean the house

One day I will have a baby...

What should I make Aaron for dinner...

I still want a baby...

I hope I pass all my classes...

I don't want to wait longer to have a baby...

Time to sleep...

I can't wait to have a baby...

I am not sure you can tell but I am a little baby hungry and it gets worse daily.The only thing I think about is how after I graduate I will be one step closer to being a mom. I am excited that I am getting closer to my degree not only because of the other benefits that may come after but also because I will have accomplished the biggest goal in my life. Aaron and I will go to to grad school and start a wonderful adventure. All of this is just a year and half away. I may be a little nervous to leave but I can't wait to stand by Aaron to live out his goal just like he is doing with me. So many things on my mind but none out weigh the overwhelming desire to be a mom.

Camping at Mirror Lake

We were able to go camping a few weeks ago before school started and we found an amazing campsite. We did however forget flash lights and there was no moon because there were scattered thunderstorms throughout the night. So of course it was very difficult to see from nine on but we did have a beautiful fire going that we all huddled around to stay warm and cook dinner. Which I might add was an extremely yummy dinner (we were in charge of food, my favorite part of camping). Aaron and Drew also had a good time fly fishing while Jessica and I stayed by the fire trying to stay warm. We were able to stay dry in the tents at night but we didn't really get a chance to sleep because we forgot sleeping pads and Aaron and I forgot our own blankets but luckily Drew and Jess always bring extra. We were also Lucky enough to see a family of moose! It was an amazing thing to see. They really are amazing to watch. This truly was beautiful. It was so much fun and I am hoping we can go again next year.

My Grandma

As I sit and watch Aaron attempting homemade chocolate ice cream for the second time I can't help but think of the time we have spent together and our future to come. My grandpa who is in his late 80's is going to marry a very wonderful lady tomorrow. I bring this up because even though for some reason my grandpa remarrying has been surprisingly harder for me than expected I can't help thinking that if Aaron was in this position I would want him to find someone to keep him company. I love the thought of becoming old together and always having him there when I wake up every morning.

When I started this post I wanted to talk about the future and everything it has to hold but I can't stop thinking about my Grandma. I remember clearly the day she passed away because a couple days before she couldn't remember who I was, but the morning my mom went to go see her I had a feeling that I had to go see her. I didn't know what it was because the doctors scheduled her to be released from the hospital that morning, however when my mom got there she had taken a turn for the worst. That night after school was very difficult for me. My grandma has always been very important to me. She was sick for quite a while but she always seemed so strong, I have never understood where she got her strength. Most the time I believe she was ready to go but stayed for my grandpa. There were many occasions when in the middle of the night she would stop breathing and we would rush her to the hospital, she always came back for my grandpa.

I always miss her but this weekend as been extremely difficult. I am so happy for my grandpa and I love Laurel, the woman he his marrying. He needs companionship and in a way I believe my grandma has had a helping hand in this. I don't want him to be lonely but taking out some of the furniture from my childhood made me feel like my grandma was leaving. I do have a few things from her jewelry that I wear constantly and when I wear them I feel like she is with me. My grandma taught me the importance of staying strong during the many years she was sick, because of her strength my grandpa was able to say good bye when the time was right. She did stay strong for herself but more importantly she stayed strong for him and her children. She has always and always will be on mind and in my heart. She was a truly amazing women and I know because of her I will be a better person. Not only because of what she taught me but also because of her I have an amazing mom who keeps her memory alive.

Grandma I love you and because of you your family is better.