Saturday, February 18, 2012

Horses or Teaching

*** DISCLAIMER: This message is not approved by me (Aaron), simply because I don't think it accurately portrays the determination, talent, and fortitude that Jaimie actually has. That said, she posted it before I could censor, so most of you have read it in your RSS feeds anyway. Regardless, I just need to say that Jaimie has finished many difficult and important challenges in her life. She has consistently been on the Principle's list, she was asked to be an Honor student, she has been invited to several honor societies, she was accepted to this internship she is stressing about, she'll graduate college soon, she learned to sing very well even though few encouraged her to, she's an accomplished rider (and anybody who disagrees should talk to me about it), she's completely changed my life and made me happier than I ever thought possible, and for her to sit and act as though she hasn't followed through on anything or accomplished anything is both false and a horrible misconception about her own value that seems to come from who-knows where. "... but some how I am the girl that takes the easy way out, gets scared and just quits. I feel like every goal I have ever tried to meet has come and gone." Maybe that's just Jaimie being dramatic, but unfortunately she feels that way. I suppose we all do at some point, but we also all need somebody to stand in our own defense against ourselves. So that's what I'm doing. Jaimie is not a quitter; she's not just a sweet little girl. She's an accomplished woman and a power to be reckoned with (trust me), and I will adamantly defend that reputation.***

Today I have been faced with what has seemed like a huge life choice do I try for a once in a life time internship teaching my very own classroom one year early or do I spend my summer days at the ranch doing nothing but riding my horse. This morning as I was at the ranch with my dad and brother I realized that I not only wish I was more diligent at getting to the ranch but I wished that it was all I did. I love the time I spend at the ranch. I am able forget about everything that has made me upset that week and everything that will stress me out later that day. I have lived my life wanting to be a certain person but never really reaching that goal. I want to be that girl that like to be outside in the mud with the animals doing whatever it takes to get the job done but some how I am the girl that takes the easy way out, gets scared and just quits. I feel like every goal I have ever tried to meet has come and gone. I wish I knew what my future brings when it comes to horses. Will we maybe one day be able to afford them or will I just have the opportunity to ride them when I visit my parents on occasion? To some this may be an easy problem to solve. Take the internship right? It is a once in a life time opportunity. I will finish all my classes in the upcoming summer and then I will become a first  year teacher instead of student teaching. I will be paid little but I will be in charge of my own classroom. Isn't this why I am going to school? I am getting a degree to teach. We all have childhood passions and hobbies and I have loved competing but doesn't there have to come a point in every one's life when we have to give the childhood passions up and pursue knew passions and hobbies.
I have come to realize that one reason I am struggling with the idea of the internship is that I think I am giving up on myself. I have tied horses into my identity so much that I haven't lived up to my own expectations of myself. I wanted to be that girl that won them all. I wanted to prove to everyone that I was tough and that I could do anything I put my mind to. In reality though I feel as though I have let myself down and everyone else around me. while talking to Aaron about this today he told me that I am the girl I wanted to be, but today as I was riding I gave up yet again. I have become so discouraged that I am unable to do some of the simplest maneuvers that use to come so easily to me. Because of school I have had less time to devote to my horses. There was once a time when I would make it to the ranch almost every day. Now once a week has become almost impossible. I started riding over ten years ago and feels like the first day all over again. And then the internship I look at that terrified out of my mind but excited. I know I am scared and when I get scared I will do anything possible to avoid whatever I am scared of. I am struggling with. in my opinion, a huge decision. this will be my last summer in Utah before we move to where ever Aaron's Grad school take us and I just don't know what I should do. I am scared that I will be unhappy no matter what decision I make because no matter what I do I will be giving up a great opportunity.